Not so fun fact: I have a disorder called endometriosis. It causes tissue that would normally line my uterus to grow in other fun places like my ovaries, bowels, and pelvic lining. Most of the time I can tolerate the constant minor discomfort but once a month (three guesses when) it rears its ugly head like a monster and I find myself bedridden, gassy and fighting off an evil demon elf that stabs me from the inside. It’s a hell of a good time.

The following list is  how I survive every month. It’s not always easy  to cope but I thought I’d pass this along to any other women looking for a battle plan.

(Conveniently, this list also makes a pretty fantastic break up survival guide.  All the basics are covered! You may want to throw in a  British romantic comedy or two but the essentials are certainly there. )

The Official* Endometriosis Survival Kit:

Netflix– Nothing numbs the pain of a thousand suns like watching over 13 hours of Friends. THEY WERE NOT ON A BREAK ROSS.

Judy Blume- Reading “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret” takes me back to the days where the idea of getting my period was more of an important milestone in my journey to womanhood.

Now it just feels like this:

Chocolate- color me cliched but nothing soothes my achin’ uterus more than some dark sea salt chocolate.

A Pillow Fort/Nest- If you’re going to be bedridden you may as well do it in style.

A Vibrator- The secrets out! Not only do women actually masturbate but we also do so to ease menstrual cramps. Masturbation is the unsung hero of pain relief. Trust me on this one- it’s a complete lifesaver.

Personal Masseuse- Now if you’re like me and can’t afford to hire a strong swiss man with eyes that shine like sapphires  to rub your back then you’ll have to improvise. I’m lucky enough to live with a man that willingly exchanges back rubs for chocolate and pizza.

Remember; never book a massage on Craigslist. The chances of you getting murdered are very high.

Good Luck Ladies.

Do you think you may be suffering from endometriosis?

Here’s a quick key for reference:

Cramps = normal

Debilitating, tear inducing pain = not so much.

*This is list isn’t official in any sense of the concept.