Emily vs Lip Stick vs The World.

When it comes to style I’m a bit of late bloomer. After a childhood of tripping over my bell-bottoms and wearing sparkle pants just a little bit too late to be cool I realized I was not destined to be a trendsetter ( if you don’t count my brief stint of dying a single hand green for two months when I was twelve.)

A momentous moment in my awkward style roadmap was the two year goth faze. I had a coffin backpack, a spike choker necklace and an uncharacteristically sunny disposition.

The look did not work for me:

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Truth be told, I’ve always felt slightly out of step when it came to fashion. Some women have this almost magical ability to look put together where my appearance often looks like I log rolled out of bed and straight into my office.

Lately, in a mission to rectify my style impairment I’ve been leaning heavy on the Pinterest boards and trolling Sephora like a 13 year old who just discovered black eyeliner for the first time. Improvements have been made and I’ve accepted that one pair of converse sneakers does not in fact go with everything.

My biggest challenge thus far has been lip stick. I’ve always been more of a chap stick girl but that damn Taylor Swift and her gorgeous red lips have inspired me. Did you know that lip liner is a freakin’ pain in the ass? What the hell is feathering? Will I ever be able to wear this stuff without getting a bad case of fruit punch mouth? At the present I have absolutely zero answers to any of these questions.

Attempt 1:

bad red

Please note the faint ring of red around my lips.

 

 

Attempt 2:

red lips

Angles are everything.

 

 

 

It is my theory that if I can conquer red lip stick, I can conquer adulthood and march into my mid-twenties with my head held high. Now can someone please tell me what heck bronzer is!?

 

 

 

 

My Endometriosis Survival Kit

Not so fun fact: I have a disorder called endometriosis. It causes tissue that would normally line my uterus to grow in other fun places like my ovaries, bowels, and pelvic lining. Most of the time I can tolerate the constant minor discomfort but once a month (three guesses when) it rears its ugly head like a monster and I find myself bedridden, gassy and fighting off an evil demon elf that stabs me from the inside. It’s a hell of a good time.

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The following list is  how I survive every month. It’s not always easy  to cope but I thought I’d pass this along to any other women looking for a battle plan.

(Conveniently, this list also makes a pretty fantastic break up survival guide.  All the basics are covered! You may want to throw in a  British romantic comedy or two but the essentials are certainly there. )

The Official* Endometriosis Survival Kit:

Netflix– Nothing numbs the pain of a thousand suns like watching over 13 hours of Friends. THEY WERE NOT ON A BREAK ROSS.

Judy Blume- Reading “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret” takes me back to the days where the idea of getting my period was more of an important milestone in my journey to womanhood.

Now it just feels like this:

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Chocolate- color me cliched but nothing soothes my achin’ uterus more than some dark sea salt chocolate.

A Pillow Fort/Nest- If you’re going to be bedridden you may as well do it in style.

A Vibrator- The secrets out! Not only do women actually masturbate but we also do so to ease menstrual cramps. Masturbation is the unsung hero of pain relief. Trust me on this one- it’s a complete lifesaver.

Personal Masseuse- Now if you’re like me and can’t afford to hire a strong swiss man with eyes that shine like sapphires  to rub your back then you’ll have to improvise. I’m lucky enough to live with a man that willingly exchanges back rubs for chocolate and pizza.

Remember; never book a massage on Craigslist. The chances of you getting murdered are very high.

Good Luck Ladies.


 

Do you think you may be suffering from endometriosis?

Here’s a quick key for reference:

Cramps = normal

Debilitating, tear inducing pain = not so much.

 

 

 

 

*This is list isn’t official in any sense of the concept.

 

Mama Linda’s Cure All Chicken & Rice Soup

Tis’ the season for being sick every other week for the next two months. My nose is red, my lips are chapped and I’m pretty sure I haven’t been able to properly hear since Thanksgiving.

My boyfriend is a lucky man.

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Throughout the years I have developed several defensive strategies against the common cold.  I have chugged  DayQuil through a straw and I’ve plastered so much Vicks on my chest that my co-workers are under the impression I exclusively wear EXTREMELY mentholated perfume.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing that cures me faster than my mother’s homemade chicken soup and I consider it a testament to my newfound adult agency that I can now make this glorious broth all on my own.  (Admittedly when I am sick the first thing I do is call my mom and beg her to come make it for me. Those aren’t my proudest moments…)

For the first time ever I am sharing my mom’s recipe with everyone. Let it end all your sniffles and keep your sinuses clear.

Ingredients:

1 small chicken (3-4 lbs)

1 bag of baby carrots

5 celery stalks

4 chicken bouillon cubes

1 small yellow onion

2 tablespoons of dried parsley

Salt

Pepper

2 cups of white rice

Directions:

Clean small chicken and remove contents of cavity. Rub salt on the chicken and inside it. Cut the small onion in half and place one half of it inside of the chicken. Put chicken into pot and cover completely with cold water. The chicken should be completely submerged with an inch of additional water.

Add the entire bag of baby carrots and 4 celery halves into pot. Next, add approximately 1 tablespoon of parsley and a teaspoon of salt and pepper.Bring contents of pot to a boil. While the soup is coming to boil skim off any fat ( white broth and oil).

When the pot reaches a boil, add the 4 bouillon cubes to four separate places in the pot. Add an additional dash of parsley.

Let soup simmer on low heat for an hour.

After the hour is up, skim off all the fat until the broth looks mostly clear. Remove the chicken, put it into a bowl and rinse it in cold water. Remove the 4 stalks of celery and the onion halve. Discard them.

Cut up 1 1/2 cups of fresh celery and throw it into the pot. Add the other half of onion into the pot. Keep pot covered.

Remove the skin of the chicken and cut it into pieces.Put the pieces into the pot. Add a pinch more of salt and pepper and then continue to simmer for a half an hour.

While the soup is simmering, prepare two cups of white rice.

When the soup is ready remove the onion half.

Soup will be ready to serve and you can add rice as desired to your bowl of soup. I would personally refrain from putting the entire contents of the rice into the soup pot because I prefer my rice a little less soggy. 

Soups on!

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An adorable picture of me brewing my cure-all soup.

 

 

So it begins…

Welcome to my 2015 resolution. Too many New Years have come and gone leaving a trail of broken ( RIP screenplay, sleep in eternal peace daily workout routine…) resolutions in their wake but not this year! This is the year I settle down. In fact, I even prepared my own vows.

My dearest blog, I promise to love and cherish you- taking extra care to never leave you neglected for weeks at a time. I vow to fill your archives with all the GIFS and cat pictures you deserve. As we embark on this journey together I know that there is no other domain (besides the 3 others I wanted that were already taken) I’d rather face my 25th year with.

 

There it is folks. In sickness and in health I am committing myself to this silly little blog. What will I be talking about? Who the hell knows.